Life After Moving. One Year Later. Philosophical, Rambling

Do you think it's easy to move to a new place of residence in another country, stay, and settle in?
Nostalgia for the distant Motherland whispers in your veins, keeps you from sleeping peacefully; you cry in a field with a horse, and songs about the Motherland give you goosebumps all over. You long to return to your native open spaces as soon as possible. Your blood boils at the first notes of the anthem: snow, Father Frost and the Snow Maiden, Russian songs, Russian expanses. Tears well up in your eyes.
And then you cross the border. You take your first steps in the long-awaited Fatherland, breathe out after the long journey, look around and realize that reality is very real indeed. Everyone around you speaks Russian without translation, the TV is in Russian, the neighbors are new, there are birch trees, Russian roads, fur hats; the country is busy with its own affairs, solving its own problems and overcoming its own difficulties. No one here is particularly interested in the difficulties faced by European countries.
And you are left alone with your own challenges and problems.
And then comes that moment of truth, when you are truly yourself. You pushed yourself out of your comfort zone, stood tall in the very last trench; bullets whistle past, and you have to gather your last fears into a fist and, carrying the banner, go forward, "into the attack." You feel the "pressure of concrete," as in that Gazmanov song.
This is your personal feat!!! Yours and yours alone!!!
Yes, it's hard, very hard, but personally, I have no way back. That helps on the one hand, and on the other, it's "not much of a consolation." You can always go back to the street where you lived for 20 years.
BUT!!! I don't want to return to that swamp where my soul felt awful and things definitely won't get better. I want to be on this side of the front line; I don't want to whine and complain about how bad and unbearable everything is because of the German government's decisions, or say, "how can this be, taxes are going up again?" I don't want to put up any longer with my Russian television being democratically switched off and being branded for being Russian and not wanting to remake myself into a German.
I don't want to, full stop!
I closed the door of my home in Germany and left, feeling bitter about the 20 years I had lived in Germany.
I left forever. I left to start life over, from scratch. I decided I would only look forward, would climb until I went mad, and would stay positive. Maybe that's where the funny style of my Santa Barbara came from.
I'm happy to have a son and a husband who stand shoulder to shoulder with me. I'm not alone. First one of us falters, then the other. But we support each other in moments of personal despair. My feat is a family feat. On my own, I probably wouldn't have managed.
My husband and I also have our own personal motivator—our son. This whole upheaval is for him; for his sake I decided to turn my whole comfortable, settled life upside down and brought my husband along with me. I want my son to live in a country that God protects, where the weak are helped, the hungry are fed, and mercy and justice come before you. More than ever, you understand that "blood is thicker than water; it boils and bubbles."
Our son is slowly opening up, thawing out from the horrors in Germany. Sometimes he misses life in Germany, and the food, but he is diligently climbing onward, looking for positive moments and trying tasty treats in Russia. His life has been turned completely upside down. Gradually, he too is coming to understand the decision he made to move and turn his life upside down. He too is realizing his "personal feat."
Don't be afraid of change, don't be afraid of the difficulties of moving, don't be afraid to change. This is life experience, and it always comes at enormous effort. And if you didn't succeed the first time, don't lose heart. Maybe "it has to be this way"—just don't give up, keep moving forward!
I wish everyone a life that won't leave you feeling bitter about the years you've lived.
Happy New Year! Wishing everyone happiness and good health! Make your dreams come true! And don't give up! Don't ever give up!!!

Santa Barbara